Astro-Illogicals
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100 fake horoscopes. Written by Dave Dworkin's mother, Frances Johnson. FREE if you print out your own copy!
100 fake horoscopes. Written by Dave Dworkin’s mother, Frances Johnson. FREE if you print out your own copy!
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| 1. THIS IS A GOOD DAY FOR SINGLE WOMEN TO FIND A HUSBAND. JUST MAKE SURE HIS WIFE DOESN’T FIND OUT. |
| 2. TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY FOR SELLING SEASHELLS AT THE SEASHORE. IT’S AN EVEN WORSE DAY TO TRY TO SAY IT. |
| 3. DO NOT GO TO THE AIRPORT TODAY. YOU MAY GET A TERMINAL ILLNESS. |
| 4. THIS IS A GOOD DAY TO SINK YOUR TEETH INTO A SUBMARINE SANDWICH. TRY IT WITH A ROOT BEER FLOAT. |
| 5. AVOID PLACES WITH GEOMETRIC SHAPES, LIKE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE AND WASHINGTON SQUARE. (ALWAYS AVOID THE PENTAGON.) |
| 6. TODAY IT A GOOD DAY FOR SPRING CLEANING. WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, CLEAN THE MATTRESS, TOO. |
| 7. THIS IS A GREAT DAY FOR SHOOTING HOME MOVIES, EVEN IF YOU’D RATHER SHOOT THE NEIGHBORS SHOWING THEM TO YOU. |
| 8. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO TAKE IN A PLAY. TOMORROW YOU MAY HAVE TO TAKE IN WASHING TO PAY FOR IT. |
| 9. TODAY YOU WILL RECEIVE A CALL FROM A MAN THANKING YOU FOR ALL THE MONEY HE’S MADE THROUGH YOU. TELL YOUR BROKER, “YOU’RE WELCOME” AND THAT NOW IT’S YOUR TURN. |
| 10. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR MAKING FRIENDS…BUT TAKE THE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS. |
| 11. REMEMBER TO LOOK BOTH WAYS WHEN YOU CROSS THE STREET IN A BIRD SANCTUARY…UP AND DOWN. |
| 12. TODAY MANY PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU’RE A GOOD EGG…JUST DON’T GET FRIED. |
| 13. THIS IS NOT A GOOD DAY TO TAKE A TRIP. WATCH OUT FOR PEOPLE’S FEET IN AISLES. |
| 14. IF YOU GO ON A PICNIC TODAY, TAKE ALONG YOUR UNCLES TO KEEP THE ANTS COMPANY. |
| 15. IF YOU HAVE TO BORROW MONEY TODAY, IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO AVOID A BANK WHOSE SYMBOL IS A SHARK. |
| 16. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO TAKE YOUR CAR IN FOR REPAIR. JUST BE SURE YOU DON’T GET TAKEN IN AS WELL. |
| 17. BE SURE TO EAT SOMETHING FROM EACH OF THE FOUR FOOD GROUPS…YOUR CHURCH GROUP, YOUR BRIDGE GROUP, YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD GROUP AND YOUR DIET GROUP. |
| 18. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO BUY AN ELECTRONIC BURGLAR ALARM. THEY’RE GREAT FOR DISCOURAGING ELECTRONIC BURGLARS. |
| 19. TODAY’S FORECAST IS HAZY. YOU WILL VISIT EITHER A SICK FRIEND WITH NO FAMILY…OR A SICK FAMILY WITH NO FRIENDS. |
| 20. DO NOT ASK ADVICE FROM A BAG LADY…UNLESS IT’S A GUCCI. |
| 21. DON’T OVERDO THINGS TODAY…RETURN ALL LATE LIBRARY BOOKS. |
| 22. IF FRIENDS SAY YOU’RE “SHARP” TODAY, IT MAY BE BECAUSE OF YOUR CUTTING REMARKS. GET THE POINT? |
| 23. IF YOU BREAK YOUR LEG PLAYING TENNIS AND HAVE TO SUE SOMEONE, DON’T SETTLE OUT OF COURT. |
| 24. THIS IS A GOOD DAY TO GET A MANICURE…OR IF YOU’RE A FEMINIST…A PERSONICURE. |
| 25. IF YOU’RE FEELING LISTLESS TODAY, BE SURE TO MAKE A LIST. |
| 26. IF YOU TELL A JOKE TODAY THAT’S A PLAY ON WORDS, YOU MAY WIND UP IN THE PUNITENTIARY. |
| 27. READ BETWEEN THE LINES TODAY IN ANY LETTERS YOU MAY RECEIVE. WHEN YOU FINISH, READ THE MARGINS. (THIS FORECAST IS MARGINALLY FUNNY.) |
| 28. TODAY YOU WILL TRY TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION, BUT YOUR DENTIST WILL TELL YOU YOU’RE BITING TOO HARD. |
| 29. TODAY YOU WILL HEAR OPPORTUNITY KNOCKING…BUT IT WILL TURN OUT TO BE YOUR CAR’S ENGINE. |
| 30. TODAY YOU SHOULD BE WILLING TO SUPPORT SUPERIORS…ALSO HURONS, MICHIGANS, ERIES AND ONTARIOS. |
| 31. TODAY IT WILL RAIN CATS AND DOGS…AND YOU WILL STEP IN A POODLE. |
| 32. TODAY YOU WILL FIND YOUR PERFECT MATCH. CLOSE COVER BEFORE STRIKING. |
| 33. TODAY A MAN WITH GLASSES WILL OFFER YOU A DRINK. MAKE SURE HE WASHES THEM FIRST. |
| 34. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR SETTING PRIORITIES. SET THEM FOR 7 A.M. |
| 35. WEIGH ALL OF YOUR ALTERNATIVES TODAY. IF THEY’RE UNDER TWO POUNDS, THROW THEM BACK. |
| 36. TODAY YOU WILL DECIDE TO BECOME AN EXPERT AT FISHING…BUT YOU STILL WON’T MASTER BAIT. |
| 37. SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT TODAY. LEARN HOW TO SIBBLE. |
| 38. THERE’S MORE TO YOUR PARTNER THAN MEETS THE EYE…SO DON’T LASH OUT OR BROWBEAT HIM OR HER. |
| 39. IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A BARGAIN TODAY…YOU HAVE TO GO WHERE THE AUCTION IS. |
| 40. GO WITH THE FLOW TODAY. IF FLORENCE IS BUSY, GO WITH THE DEBBIE OR WANDA. |
| 41. CREATIVE WRITING IS EASY TO ACCOMPLISH TODAY, SO WORK ON YOUR INCOME TAX RETURN. |
| 42. IF A CLOSE FRIEND TELLS YOU YOU NEED BETTER GROOMING, IT’S NOT A REFLECTION ON YOUR HUSBAND. |
| 43. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIET. IF YOUR HAIR IS BROWN, DYE IT RED. |
| 44. IF YOUR FRIENDS SAY YOU’RE ACTING PIG-HEADED TODAY, TELL THEM TO STOP PORKING FUN AT YOU. YOU DON’T NEED THAT KIND OF RIBBING. |
| 45. YOU WILL WANT A PERMANENT RELATIONSHIP, SO YOU WILL ASK YOUR HAIRDRESSER OUT TODAY. |
| 46. IF YOUR DOCTOR IS GIVING YOU A SHOT AND SAYS THIS WON’T HURT A BIT, REMEMBER THAT’S JUST AN M.D. PROMISE. |
| 47. IF YOU’RE GOING TO A HOTEL FOR A QUICK AFFAIR, DO IT WITHOUT RESERVATIONS. |
| 48. IF YOU’RE IN THE DARK ABOUT WHAT TO DO TODAY, TRY PAYING YOUR ELECTRIC BILL. |
| 49. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO LOOK AT ART. IF ART IS BUSY, LOOK AT HIS BROTHER. |
| 50. TODAY A FRIEND WILL OFFER YOU A FREE CAT…AND THEN TELL YOU HE WAS ONLY KITTEN. |
| 51. IF YOU’RE BAKING BREAD TODAY, DON’T PUT ALL OF YOUR EGGS IN ONE BISCUIT. |
| 52. THIS IS A GOOD DAY TO MEND YOUR WAYS…BUT BE SURE TO IRON THEM FIRST. |
| 53. IF THE ONE YOU LOVE ISN’T GETTING THE PICTURE, TAKE HIM OR HER INTO THE DARKROOM AND SEE WHAT DEVELOPS. |
| 54. IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND TELLS YOU SHE LIKES TO JOG, YOU’LL KNOW SHE’S BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK. |
| 55. GO TO THE ZOO TODAY TO SEE AN ELEPHANT. BE SURE TO PACK A TRUNK. |
| 56. YOUR GARDEN IS IN DISARRAY. STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH. |
| 57. YOUR GRANDMOTHER WILL GO MOUNTAIN CLIMBING TODAY, BUT SHE’S ALREADY OVER THE HILL. |
| 58. YOU’LL BE VERY MODEST TODAY AND WILL GO AS FAR AS REFUSING TO WATCH YOUR SALAD DRESSING. |
| 59. IF YOUR CHILDREN TELL YOU TO STOP PUSHING THEM AROUND, SELL THE BABY CARRIAGE. |
| 60. RELAX AND ENJOY THE DAY. IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO GO JOGGING, TELL THEM TO TAKE A HIKE. |
| 61. IF PEOPLE TELL YOU YOU USE THE EXPRESSION “YOU KNOW” TOO MUCH, TELL THEM YOU KNOW. |
| 62. LONG DISTANCE ROMANCES CAN BE HARD TO PURSUE…UNLESS YOU’RE A REAL OPERATOR. |
| 63. TODAY YOU WILL DISCOVER A QUICK SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEMS: ONE TEASPOON OF SALT IN HOT WATER. |
| 64. IF YOUR FRIENDS SEE EVERYTHING AS REPRESENTING SOMETHING ELSE, TELL THEM THEY ARE TOO SYMBOL-MINDED. |
| 65. A FRIEND WILL CALL YOU “TOOTSIE-POP” TODAY…BUT IT’S ONLY BECAUSE SHE THINKS YOU’RE A SUCKER. |
| 66. A GOOD WAY TO MEET SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IS AT THE SUPERMARKET. GO TO THE PRODUCE DEPARTMENT AND WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO TURNIP. THAT WAY YOU WON’T BE TOO MELON-CHOLY. |
| 67. IN THE DAYTIME YOU WILL HAVE A BIG FIGHT WITH THE WOMAN FROM THE DRYCLEANERS …BUT LATER AT NIGHT THE TWO OF YOU WILL IRON OUT YOUR DIFFERENCES. |
| 68. YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT DESIRE FOR INDEPENDENCE…AND YOU WILL HAVE TO GO TO MISSOURI TO FIND IT. |
| 69. IF YOU CAN’T SEEM TO GET ANY DATES, TRY FOR FIGS. |
| 70. LOVE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER TODAY…TOO BAD IF YOU LIVE ON A LAKE. |
| 71. STRANGE THINGS WILL POP UP TODAY. MAYBE YOU NEED A NEW TOASTER. |
| 72. REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE TODAY. NOW WASH YOUR HANDS. |
| 73. SOMEONE WILL TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE HIDDEN TALENTS TODAY. YOU WILL ASK THEM IF THEY WANT TO PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK. |
| 74. KEEP A LOW PROFILE TODAY…CRAWL. |
| 75. IF YOU FEEL YOU’RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH RECOGNITION ON YOUR JOB, WEAR A NAME TAG. |
| 76. IF FRIENDS TELL YOU YOU’RE GOING TO POT…TELL THEM TO PUT A LID ON IT. THEN THINGS SHOULD PAN OUT. |
| 77. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO BUY RUNNING SHOES…IF YOU CAN CATCH THEM. |
| 78. IF YOU FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE TODAY, BUILD UP A FRIEND’S EGO. IT WILL CEMENT YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND LAY A FOUNDATION FOR THE FUTURE. |
| 79. IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO KEEP A DIARY…BUT GIVE IT BACK IF THE OWNER FINDS OUT. |
| 80. LUNAR FORCES ARE VERY STRONG TODAY. IF YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL, YOU MAY GET MOONED. |
| 81. TODAY YOU WILL GO OUT LOOKING FOR PUBLIC SUPPORT. IN OTHER WORDS, YOU WILL CROSS A SUSPENSION BRIDGE. |
| 82. TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE TODAY. OF COURSE, IF YOU CAN PAY CASH, PEOPLE WILL GIVE YOU MORE CREDIT. |
| 83. TODAY YOU WILL SPRUCE UP YOUR LIVING AREA…ONLY TO DISCOVER YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO EVERGREEN TREES. |
| 84. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS TODAY. IF YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH, SNEEZE A LOT AND YOU’RE SURE TO GET MORE. |
| 85. TODAY YOU WILL GET IN AN ARGUMENT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND SHE WILL ASK YOU TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE. YOU WILL TRY, BUT YOUR HAND WILL KEEP SLIPPING OFF. |
| 86. THINGS WILL BE DULL AROUND THE HOUSE TODAY…SO YOU WILL BUY A KNIFE SHARPENER. |
| 87. TONIGHT YOU WILL DROWN YOUR SORROWS IN ALCOHOL. GETTING DRUNK WON’T GIVE YOU THE ANSWER…BUT IT WILL HELP YOU FORGET THE QUESTIONS. |
| 88. TODAY YOU WILL HAVE TO DIAPER A FRIEND’S BABY. YOU WILL LEARN ABOUT INFANTS BY STARTING AT THE BOTTOM. |
| 89. THE SENTIMENTAL SIDE OF YOUR NATURE WILL BE REVEALED TODAY. TIGHTEN UP THOSE SWIM TRUNKS AND IT WON’T SHOW. |
| 90. VIRGO: DON’T YOU THINK YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO GIVE THIS UP? |
| 91. YOU WANT SOMEONE YOU CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH. LOOK FOR SOMEONE SHAPED LIKE A LAZY-BOY RECLINER. |
| 92. YOU’LL THINK YOU’RE HAVING A LOT OF FUN WITH YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE TODAY…BUT IT WILL TURN OUT TO BE RELATIVE. |
| 93. YOUR MOON IS IN THE HOUSE OF URANUS. APPROPRIATE, ISN’T IT? |
| 94. YOUR RISING SIGN IS IN THE HOUSE OF LEO. LEO IS UPSET BECAUSE IT ISN’T PAYING RENT. |
| 95. TODAY YOU WILL MEET A PISCES…BUT YOU’LL THINK THERE’S SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT HIM. |
| 96. TODAY YOU’LL BE WONDERING ABOUT THE MEANING OF LIFE. IF YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER, IT’LL SOON BECOME APPARENT. |
| 97. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO SEW WILD OATS. MAKE SURE YOUR NEEDLE IS SHARP. |
| 98. IF YOUR CHILDREN ARE ACTING LIKE WILD ANIMALS, TAKE THEM TO THE ZOO. IF THE ZOO WON’T KEEP THEM, TRY A MUSEUM. |
| 99. IF YOU NEED A NEW VACUUM CLEANER, GIVE THE OLD ONE UP FOR LINT. |
| 100. TODAY YOU WILL GO ON A HEALTH KICK…IN OTHER WORDS, YOU’LL BE TAKING KARATE LESSONS AT A HOSPITAL. |